11 Essential Life Hacks: Alternative Facts Everyone Should Know

by Kevin Sterne
Now Appearing in Drunk Monkeys


  1. When lifting heavy objects such as art history anthologies or potted ferns, always hinge at your lower back and focus on your groin for energy. These are main components of your “core” and generally the strongest muscles in your body. As you lift your Norton reader it’s recommended you release deep guttural yowls—for self-motivation.
  2. It’s better to run with scissors—walking allows more time for an accident to occur. In a recent double-blind study in which both the study administrators and the subjects were legally blind, results showed that running with scissors led to more positive outcomes. Results for running/walking up and down flights of stairs were inconclusive because the study was cut short.
  3. Most car speedometers are actually ten to twenty miles per hour slower than your actual speed. This has been a close-kept secret of the auto industry and law enforcement. Drivers think they’re going 70mph, but in reality they’re much slower. Think of how much safer the highways are because people aren’t actually speeding. Think of how much smarter you are now.
  4. Let your babies electrocute themselves when they are young, this way they are less likely to do it when they’re older. It’s shocking they still leave this one out of the parenting books. What should you expect when you’re expecting your baby to stick your car keys in the wall socket? Expect them to never do it again!
  5. Tin foil helps distribute heat better in the microwave. The media has been falsely portraying household microwaves and metal since the 1920s. It’s time to set the record straight and call these doctored photos of microwave fires what they really are: falsehoods. We challenge all of you to try starting a fire by nuking a 9×9 Teflon of soda bread. Fire? What fire?
  6. Cut your money in half to make change. This works for any size bill. Afraid to carry a $100 in your wallet? Leave half at home. Need to make change to foot the bill at the restaurant? Wait staff prefers you do it yourself.
  7. Leaving your lights on saves more energy than constantly turning them on and off. This is the number one secret electric companies don’t want you to know. Most fleece you every time you flip the switch or run the microwave. Stick it to the meter person by running your blender 24/7/365.
  8. Gargle with bleach instead of mouthwash to whiten your teeth. It’s practically the same thing as in-office bleaching and much more effective than whitening strips. At pennies on the dollar, this hack will pay of itself in ghost-white smiles.
  9. Chemotherapy is a great way to lose weight. These days, everyone has or has had cancer, and the before- and after- selfies show why. Chemo helps cut excess fat off your skeleton while drastically curbing your appetite. Sure, there is some pain along the way: you might lose your hair and have to get a wig. But, hey, do you want that Jesus-on-the-cross look or not?
  10. If you can’t get sushi, you can eat raw chicken. It tastes almost identical. You’ll also increase your odds of getting a tapeworm and losing even more weight. Imagine having a tapeworm and cancer! Could it get any better in this great nation?
  11. A cigarette is just as good as an inhaler. But for some reason cigarettes get a bad rap in the media. Pictures of smoker’s lungs and gum lines are clearly exaggerated. We won’t say there aren’t any risks to subbing your inhaler for an American Spirit, but again, cancer is in vogue. Plus, did you know the American Spirit Man was a World-class broad jumper? Smoke enough American Made Tobacco and that can be you some day.

Corrections: January 30, 2017

An earlier version of this article recommended Camel Cigarettes, which use Turkish tobacco. The editors are obliged to change it to American Made Tobacco.

Corrections: January 31, 2017 

A prior version of this article mentioned Turkish tobacco. The editors are obliged to tell you the following in regards to Turkish tobacco: “Turkish tobacco is not American Made Tobacco.”

Corrections: February 1, 2017

A prior version of this article mentioned American Made Tobacco without its slogan. The editors are obliged to print “American Made Tobacco. For Health!” at least once on this page. The editors are also obliged to tell you that Corrections are no longer Corrections. They are now Alternative Facts. 

Alternative Facts: February 5, 2017

A prior version mentioned Corrections. The editors have been swamped with edits b/c lay offs. We’re required to say correction(s) is not a word anymore. And we have to say you can look it up in the dictionary, it’s not there 

Alternative Facts: Feb 7, 2017 Year of Lord President

Intern here. I’m supposed to add all this:

  1. Lord President invented Microwaves.
  2. Lord President’s best friend evented smoking.
  3. Most people who picked tobacco in the 1800’s were white.
  4. Lord President’s family tree is full of people who picked tobacco.
  5. Lord President’s family invented tobacco.
  6. This was not plagiarized.
  7. Plagiarism is not a real word.
  8. Look it up anywhere.
  9. Ask most kids, they know it.
  10. This article was paid for by Mexico and China.

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine

New Vinyl Releases 6/2/17

new


  • ’68 – Two Parts Viper (Transparent Green Vinyl)
  • Alt-J – Relaxer
  • Asphixiation – What is This Thing Called Disco (1981)
  • Dan Auerbach (Black Keys) – Waiting on a Song (Blue/Yellow Colored Vinyl)
  • Beach Fossils – Somersault (Red Vinyl)
  • Chastity Belt – I Used to Spend So Much Time Alone (Limited Edition Colored Vinyl)
  • Chastity Belt – I Used to Spend So Much Time Alone
  • Benjamin Booker – Witness (Limited Edition Blue Vinyl with Download and Poster)
  • Benjamin Booker – Witness (With Download and Poster)
  • Korey Dane – Chamber Girls (With Poster and Download)
  • Danzig – Skeletons (Bone with Black Vinyl, Limited to 500)
  • Elder – Reflections Of A Floating World (Colored Vinyl with Download)
  • Evanescence – Fallen (2003)
  • Evanescence – S/T (2011)
  • Evanescence – The Open Door (2006)
  • Flogging Molly – Life is Good
  • Marika Hackman – I’m Not Your Man (Limited Edition on Green with Orange Swirl Vinyl, includes Bonus 7″ and Download)
  • Halsey – hopeless fountain kingdom (Red + Yellow Vinyl)
  • Halsey – hopeless fountain kingdom (Clear + Teal Vinyl)
  • H. Hawkline – I Romanticize (feat. Cate Le Bon)
  • Hetroertzen – Uprising Of The Fallen (Limited to 300)
  • Institute – Subordination (Limited Edition Clear Vinyl)
  • Iggy Pop – The Idiot (1977)
  • Iggy Pop – Lust For Life (1977)
  • Iggy Pop – TV Eye (1977, Feature Recordings at Aragon Ballroom in Chicago, IL)
  • K. Flay – Every Where Is Some Where
  • Billy MacKenzie – Beyond The Sun (1997)
  • Manic Street Preachers – Send Away the Tigers (2007, 10 Year Collectors’ Edition)
  • The Men – Open Your Heart (10th Anniversary Reissue, Purple Vinyl, Limited to 500)
  • Miss May I – Shadows Inside (Sea Blue with Grey Splatter Vinyl)
  • North Mississippi Allstars – Prayer for Peace
  • Moon Duo – Killing Time (Expanded, Limited to 1000, Red Vinyl)
  • Overlake – Fall
  • Paper Tiger – In Other Words (White Vinyl)
  • Tom Petty – Full Moon Fever (1989)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Damn The Torpedoes (1979)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Hard Promises (1980)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Into The Great Wide Open (1991)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Let Me Up, I’ve Had Enough (1987)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Long After Dark (1982)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Pack Up The Plantation Live! (1985)
  • Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers – Southern Accents (1985)
  • Psychic Ills – Hazed Dream (10th Anniversary Reissue on Desert Sunset Vinyl, Limited to 300)
  • Revenge – Behold Total Rejection (24-Page Hardbound Jacket with Black Foil Stamp)
  • Rodrigo Y Gabriela – S/T (2006 debut)
  • Roselit Bone – Blister Steel
  • Sleep Party People – Lingering (Clear Vinyl)
  • Saint Etienne – Home Counties
  • TOPS – Sugar At The Gate (Limited Edition Sunshine Yell-o Vinyl)
  • Two Inch Astronaut – Can You Please Not Help
  • U2 – The Joshua Tree (30th Anniversary Gatefold)
  • U2 – The Joshua Tree (Super Deluxe Vinyl Boxset)
  • Vallenfyre – Fear Those Who Fear Him (Silver Vinyl with Bonus CD)
  • Various Artists – Zaire 74: The African Artists
  • Various – Beauty and The Beast: The Songs (Limited Edition Blue Vinyl)
  • Shirley Walker & John Carpenter – Escape From L.A. (Original Score Album From The Motion Picture)
  • Whitney – You’ve Got A Woman / Gonna Hurry (As Slow As I Can) (12″ Single with Download)
  • John Williams – Raiders of The Lost Ark (Expanded and Remastered Album from The Motion Picture)
  • Kathryn Williams – Little Black Numbers (2000)

Don’t see what you’re looking for? Chances are good the shipment (or us) may be running a little behind. Check the website for live updates of all inventory in the shop! Or order online!

Beer Review: Telehopic by Hop Butcher

This New England Style India Pale Ale instantly legitimizes Chicago’s “East Coast” IPA game

By Kevin Sterne


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I’ll be honest, I can’t taste much difference between an East and West Coast-style IPA—other than the obvious signifier of location. Beer Advocate is equally at a loss here. Ten to fifteen years ago—when there was a fraction of the microbreweries as today—it might be like comparing apples to oranges. Now, it’s comparable to finding subtleties between Kardashians. They’re all the same to me.

I’ve had Heady Topper from Vermont and West Coast IPA from California; Boom Sauce from Massachusetts and Fresh Squeezed from Oregon. Full disclosure: I have not had the opportunity to try Pliny the Elder nor any beers by Tree House or Trillium. Heading into this write up I would say West Coast IPAs have a more prominent pine taste and malt backbone while their East Coast counterparts forgo malt for citrus flavors and a more juicy body (insert your Kardashian joke about juicy body here). But even those big tent differences feel like big straw grasps.

Two grafs in and we haven’t even talked about how the Midwest factors into this discussion. My take on the Midwest IPA and pale ale game is of fizzy, fructose-forward ales that cater to the demands of entry-level craft drinkers. IPAs are the Marijuana of beers, providing an easy gateway to the world of craft. But Midwest (aside from a few exceptions) hasn’t pinned down a style, nor exceeded (caveat to come) in copying the coasts. Chicagoland area microbreweries, in particular, have been culling from the same well of inspiration, and it’s only slightly better than the Chicago River. No doubt, Chicago is an IPA-thirsty market, but most Chicago IPAs exhibit what I like to call “the 7-Up taste,” where most of your sip is syrupy and overly fizzy (subtle nod towards a particular anti-establishment fizzy fist).

To totally bury the lede, Telehopic by Hop Butcher is the exception to everything above. This beer all but legitimizes the “east coast” style IPA in the Chicago.

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For tasting notes here, look no further than the Denali, Mosaic & Columbus hops. Denali takes the driver’s seat with tropical pineapple while Mosaic rides sidecar, splashing heaven-sent mango juice. Don’t let the weak orange color of this beer fool you, this one packs a tropical punch.

I’d place this one a few notches below The Alchemist’s Heady Topper in terms of New England styles. It lacks the complexity and full body flavor. And to keep with this theme of East/West-Coast confusion, I’ll say it’s on par with the West Coast-brewed Fortum by Firestone Walker. Compared to the Chicago’s best beers, however, it’s among the best—as juicy as 3 Floyd’s Zombie Dust but with far less malt compared to Pipeworks’ Citra. People I talk to say this isn’t even the Hop Butcher’s best New England Style IPA. Which, in terms of quality and consistency, puts Hop Butcher in a class with 3 Floyds and Pipeworks.

I admire Hop Butcher’s bent for perfecting a specific style, in this case the “East Coast” IPA. In such a saturated IPA market, many a microbrewery take a jack of all trades approach to their brewing, ultimately creating good, but not great beers. But Hop Butcher has nailed down a style, albeit a style that’s hard to define.



Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine

Comey Memo Re: Trump

As a way to earn money for school, I took a job watching a glass box in an industrial-looking New York room. Inside the box I found this memo from former FBI director, Jim Comey. I have every reason to believe this is genuine.

-Kevin Sterne



To:
Myself in the Future (Jim Comey)
From: Myself Right Now (also Jim Comey)

On Feb 5 I met with President Donald Trump in the Oval Office. The first thing he told me was that he anticipated having a lot of free time as POTUS and would like to get started on preserving his legacy through books. In short order this legacy would apparently begin with a Russia-themed Eye-Spy book.

Trump then removed a few crumpled pieces of paper from his back pocket and handed them to me. At first glance they looked like pages from a coloring book. Trump told me he cannot actually read or write anything other than his own name, and must convey his ideas in crude sketches or elaborate hand gestures. These pages in particularly resembled blind contour drawings of disfigured farm animals.

“This is going to be the greatest book ever,” Trump said while waving his tiny hands like wobbly pool noodles. “I know it. You know it.”

I did not know it.

So I peered over the “treatment.” From what I could discern, page one was meant to portray a shirtless Vladimir Putin on a Russia beach, arranged like Rose from the Titanic. The caption reads: “Draw me like one of your French girls, Don.”

Page two: Michael Flynn’s Russian emails hidden in Russian Nesting Dolls. The smallest nesting doll is full scale version of Kellyanne Conway’s brain, about the size of an almond.

Page three is Sean Spicer in an incredibly messy 1950’s kitchen. He’s donning a dirty apron and hunched over a mixing bowl. The remnants of egg shells, measuring cups, flour, etc. are strewn all over the counter and walls. There’s a window along the back wall that shows a massive nuclear mushroom cloud, presumably from a Russian warhead. The caption for this whole scene reads: “Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire with Sean Spicer.”

At this point I had “read” enough. I told Trump I thought this was a terrible idea and a tremendous waste of time and energy for the President of the United States. To which he told me I better hope there are no “tapes” of our talk. He put his tiny fingers in air quotes for the word tapes. To cap of the most bizarre encounter I’ve ever had with any political figure, Trump tried to kiss me.

He was showing me to the door, but right before opening it, puckered his lips and leaned into me. But because I’m 6’8” and he’s about 5’4” he could only reach my right nipple. Which he kissed anyway, because his eyes were closed. Then—as if this otherworldly incident could actually be forgotten—he whispered to me: “I hope you can let this go.”

 

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine

New Vinyl Releases 5/26/17

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  • The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (50th Anniversary)
  • Big French – Stone Fish
  • Blink-182 – Greatest Hits (Limited Edition, Hand-Numbered to 2700)
  • Dave Catching (Eagles of Death Metal) – Shared Hallucinations Pt. 1: Sonic Salutations from the Venerable Vaults of Rancho de la Luna 1972-1984
  • Cende – #1 Hit Single (Color Vinyl)
  • The Chainsmokers – Memories…Do Not Open (Limited Edition Translucent Gold Vinyl)
  • The Charlatans – Different Days
  • Chevelle – Wonder What’s Next (2002, Milky White Vinyl)
  • Crescent – Resin Pockets
  • Justin Townes Earle – Kids In The Street
  • Fleetwood Mac – Mirage (1982)
  • Fleetwood Mac – Tango In The Night (1987)
  • Frenzal Rhomb – Hi-Vis High Tea
  • Galley Beggar – Heathen Hymns (Limited Edition Purple Vinyl)
  • Ides of Gemini – Women (Limited Edition Purple Vinyl)
  • Incantation – Primordial Domination (Limited Edition Gold/Brown Marbled Vinyl)
  • Incubus – 8
  • Lambert – Sweet Apocalypse
  • Leftfield – Leftism (3-LP Special Edition)
  • John Mayer – The Search For Everything
  • Moonchild – Voyager
  • Mortician – Darkest Day of Horror (2002)
  • Pet Symmetry – Vision (Cream Vinyl)
  • Sia – Some People Have Real Problems (2008, First Time On Vinyl)
  • Six Feet  Under – Torment
  • Solstafir – Berdreyminn (Limited Edition Opaque Blue Vinyl, Only 250 Copies Worldwide)
  • Suffering Hour – In Passing Ascension
  • Umphrey’s McGee – Zonkey (The Mashup Album)
  • Underworld – Beaucoup Fish (1998)
  • Melvin Van Peebles – Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song (1971)