by Kevin Sterne
I think it’s time we consider building a time machine (ATM). You probably don’t remember when I said: “if things aren’t looking good, we should consider a time machine.” But I said it. Kellyanne will vouch. Just don’t ask her the question directly.
This is a great plan, Don. It’s a fantastic plan. We get to cut more social programs from the budget like we planned AND we get to keep a secret. I know you love secrets!
Once the lying media uncovers the secret we’ll introduce it as an executive order. (We can just say it’s for national security). Spicey will cow-tie the media, it’ll be really great.
I’m relying on you to be the closer here, Don. You’ll need to stare down the House and Senate. Once we get the order passed we can start building ATM.
Do you think we can get someone from the Pentagon and Area 51? Actually, I’ll phone Alex Jones. I reckon he has gleaned a lot about alien technology from the Roswell Crash. Actually, I’ll do an introductory email.
I’m seeing the benefits of ATM as five-pronged:
1) we get to team up with Regan (your dream);
2) instead of tearing down the Berlin wall, we get to move it to the Mexican border;
3) we squash that lying Hilary before she can get started;
4) we stop the New York Times from failing and give you full control of the lying media;
5) we get a head start on a really great forgery of Obama’s birth certificate.
I already told Kellyanne and she is totally gung ho. She’s bringing over a Ouija Board so you can contact the spirit of Ronald Regan. I’m going to loop in Newt Gingrich on this one too. Word is he has some of Regan’s personal effects, specifically a catheter. I’ll do an intro email.
I know you’ll probably want to get your son-in-law involved, but I think it’s best J-Kush sits this one out. I want you to get all the credit for creating the world’s first ATM, and J-Kush tends to steal the limelight. Kellyanne will back me up on this one.
Lastly, we’re going to need different email addresses for this. I set up one for you already.
Trump_2017to1984 at darkweb.com
The password is SpicerNoSpicing
Email me at TimeTravelBan_non at darknet.com with your reply.
Let’s get Putin on board with this. Can you do an intro email?
Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.