11 Essential Life Hacks: Alternative Facts Everyone Should Know

by Kevin Sterne
Now Appearing in Drunk Monkeys


  1. When lifting heavy objects such as art history anthologies or potted ferns, always hinge at your lower back and focus on your groin for energy. These are main components of your “core” and generally the strongest muscles in your body. As you lift your Norton reader it’s recommended you release deep guttural yowls—for self-motivation.
  2. It’s better to run with scissors—walking allows more time for an accident to occur. In a recent double-blind study in which both the study administrators and the subjects were legally blind, results showed that running with scissors led to more positive outcomes. Results for running/walking up and down flights of stairs were inconclusive because the study was cut short.
  3. Most car speedometers are actually ten to twenty miles per hour slower than your actual speed. This has been a close-kept secret of the auto industry and law enforcement. Drivers think they’re going 70mph, but in reality they’re much slower. Think of how much safer the highways are because people aren’t actually speeding. Think of how much smarter you are now.
  4. Let your babies electrocute themselves when they are young, this way they are less likely to do it when they’re older. It’s shocking they still leave this one out of the parenting books. What should you expect when you’re expecting your baby to stick your car keys in the wall socket? Expect them to never do it again!
  5. Tin foil helps distribute heat better in the microwave. The media has been falsely portraying household microwaves and metal since the 1920s. It’s time to set the record straight and call these doctored photos of microwave fires what they really are: falsehoods. We challenge all of you to try starting a fire by nuking a 9×9 Teflon of soda bread. Fire? What fire?
  6. Cut your money in half to make change. This works for any size bill. Afraid to carry a $100 in your wallet? Leave half at home. Need to make change to foot the bill at the restaurant? Wait staff prefers you do it yourself.
  7. Leaving your lights on saves more energy than constantly turning them on and off. This is the number one secret electric companies don’t want you to know. Most fleece you every time you flip the switch or run the microwave. Stick it to the meter person by running your blender 24/7/365.
  8. Gargle with bleach instead of mouthwash to whiten your teeth. It’s practically the same thing as in-office bleaching and much more effective than whitening strips. At pennies on the dollar, this hack will pay of itself in ghost-white smiles.
  9. Chemotherapy is a great way to lose weight. These days, everyone has or has had cancer, and the before- and after- selfies show why. Chemo helps cut excess fat off your skeleton while drastically curbing your appetite. Sure, there is some pain along the way: you might lose your hair and have to get a wig. But, hey, do you want that Jesus-on-the-cross look or not?
  10. If you can’t get sushi, you can eat raw chicken. It tastes almost identical. You’ll also increase your odds of getting a tapeworm and losing even more weight. Imagine having a tapeworm and cancer! Could it get any better in this great nation?
  11. A cigarette is just as good as an inhaler. But for some reason cigarettes get a bad rap in the media. Pictures of smoker’s lungs and gum lines are clearly exaggerated. We won’t say there aren’t any risks to subbing your inhaler for an American Spirit, but again, cancer is in vogue. Plus, did you know the American Spirit Man was a World-class broad jumper? Smoke enough American Made Tobacco and that can be you some day.

Corrections: January 30, 2017

An earlier version of this article recommended Camel Cigarettes, which use Turkish tobacco. The editors are obliged to change it to American Made Tobacco.

Corrections: January 31, 2017 

A prior version of this article mentioned Turkish tobacco. The editors are obliged to tell you the following in regards to Turkish tobacco: “Turkish tobacco is not American Made Tobacco.”

Corrections: February 1, 2017

A prior version of this article mentioned American Made Tobacco without its slogan. The editors are obliged to print “American Made Tobacco. For Health!” at least once on this page. The editors are also obliged to tell you that Corrections are no longer Corrections. They are now Alternative Facts. 

Alternative Facts: February 5, 2017

A prior version mentioned Corrections. The editors have been swamped with edits b/c lay offs. We’re required to say correction(s) is not a word anymore. And we have to say you can look it up in the dictionary, it’s not there 

Alternative Facts: Feb 7, 2017 Year of Lord President

Intern here. I’m supposed to add all this:

  1. Lord President invented Microwaves.
  2. Lord President’s best friend evented smoking.
  3. Most people who picked tobacco in the 1800’s were white.
  4. Lord President’s family tree is full of people who picked tobacco.
  5. Lord President’s family invented tobacco.
  6. This was not plagiarized.
  7. Plagiarism is not a real word.
  8. Look it up anywhere.
  9. Ask most kids, they know it.
  10. This article was paid for by Mexico and China.

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
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Email From Bannon To Trump: If We Want To Make America Great Again (!) We Need To Travel Back In Time

by Kevin Sterne

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Dear Don,

I think it’s time we consider building a time machine (ATM). You probably don’t remember when I said: “if things aren’t looking good, we should consider a time machine.” But I said it. Kellyanne will vouch. Just don’t ask her the question directly.

This is a great plan, Don. It’s a fantastic plan. We get to cut more social programs from the budget like we planned AND we get to keep a secret. I know you love secrets!

Once the lying media uncovers the secret we’ll introduce it as an executive order. (We can just say it’s for national security). Spicey will cow-tie the media, it’ll be really great.

I’m relying on you to be the closer here, Don. You’ll need to stare down the House and Senate. Once we get the order passed we can start building ATM.

Do you think we can get someone from the Pentagon and Area 51? Actually, I’ll phone Alex Jones. I reckon he has gleaned a lot about alien technology from the Roswell Crash. Actually, I’ll do an introductory email.

I’m seeing the benefits of ATM as five-pronged:
1) we get to team up with Regan (your dream);
2) instead of tearing down the Berlin wall, we get to move it to the Mexican border;
3) we squash that lying Hilary before she can get started;
4) we stop the New York Times from failing and give you full control of the lying media;
5) we get a head start on a really great forgery of Obama’s birth certificate.

I already told Kellyanne and she is totally gung ho. She’s bringing over a Ouija Board so you can contact the spirit of Ronald Regan. I’m going to loop in Newt Gingrich on this one too. Word is he has some of Regan’s personal effects, specifically a catheter. I’ll do an intro email.

I know you’ll probably want to get your son-in-law involved, but I think it’s best J-Kush sits this one out. I want you to get all the credit for creating the world’s first ATM, and J-Kush tends to steal the limelight. Kellyanne will back me up on this one.

Lastly, we’re going to need different email addresses for this. I set up one for you already.

Trump_2017to1984 at darkweb.com

The password is SpicerNoSpicing

Email me at TimeTravelBan_non at darknet.com with your reply.

 

Forever yours,

Stevie B

 

P.S.

Let’s get Putin on board with this. Can you do an intro email?

 

 

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine

Ryan Adams’s Taylor Swift Cover Has Sent Me Down a Path of Spiritual Enlightenment

by Kevin Sterne

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As much as I preach about mindfulness and finding your true self, would you believe that I wasn’t always the centered yogi I am today? There was a time when my practice was mostly down-dogs and happy baby pose with my cat. I couldn’t even do a 12-hour detox without wanting to cheat (#cheeseandcarbs4eva!) But now I can hold at least a 30-sec plank on my yoga mat—and you’ve obviously seen my Snap story meditation series, so you know I’m serious about my inner peace, and my chi tea latteJ (Butter and cheese-covered noodles are still a work in progress).

It took some time (and hard work!) to get #MindfulChic trending online and in my Chakras. So how did I do it? Taylor Swift, of course. Like most impactful changes in my life, Tay Swift has largely been the inspiration. Ignoring all my haters? I learned that from T in her song “Shake it Off.” Taking an impromptu trip to New York? You guessed it, “Welcome to New York.”

But finding my inner Buddha? T surprised me by channeling a different form: a man who looks like a shaggy dog (or kind of like Jack White). Hearing Ryan Adams’s “Blank Space” in my yoga app changed my life. It was like I was listening to Tay in a completely new way. Like T was speaking to me directly through Ryan Adams through my yoga app. The song was more chill than the original. It was acoustic!

In that moment on the mat, in my studio apartment, with my cat I realized my practice (and everything else in my life) needed to be all or nothing (so it’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames). I devoted myself to brunch with friends at least twice a week (pics on Insta!). No more flaking! If not for brunch at Berry n Batter I would not have seen the super cute diffuser and essential oils in the shop next door. Yes, the same one I feature in my 5-minutes of mindfulness, which I live Tweet every day.

I got a blank space, baby. And I wrote “Inner Peace.”

It’s been a long journey, but I couldn’t have done it without my girl T. I know her music will always be with me, especially next week when I finally get the Henna infinity sign tattoo—because it’s gonna be forever.

To wrap up this post, here’s my flawless tip for achieving #MindfulChic in the upcoming week:

  • Detox, detox, detox. I can’t stress it enough. And speaking of stress, don’t. I get stressed just thinking about stress. And when this happens, I listen to Tay. And do a lotus.

Kevin’s zine LeFAWN is available at Shuga Records
Check out Kevin’s other work at
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twitter: @kevinsterne
instagram: @lefawnzine