11 Essential Life Hacks: Alternative Facts Everyone Should Know

by Kevin Sterne
Now Appearing in Drunk Monkeys


  1. When lifting heavy objects such as art history anthologies or potted ferns, always hinge at your lower back and focus on your groin for energy. These are main components of your “core” and generally the strongest muscles in your body. As you lift your Norton reader it’s recommended you release deep guttural yowls—for self-motivation.
  2. It’s better to run with scissors—walking allows more time for an accident to occur. In a recent double-blind study in which both the study administrators and the subjects were legally blind, results showed that running with scissors led to more positive outcomes. Results for running/walking up and down flights of stairs were inconclusive because the study was cut short.
  3. Most car speedometers are actually ten to twenty miles per hour slower than your actual speed. This has been a close-kept secret of the auto industry and law enforcement. Drivers think they’re going 70mph, but in reality they’re much slower. Think of how much safer the highways are because people aren’t actually speeding. Think of how much smarter you are now.
  4. Let your babies electrocute themselves when they are young, this way they are less likely to do it when they’re older. It’s shocking they still leave this one out of the parenting books. What should you expect when you’re expecting your baby to stick your car keys in the wall socket? Expect them to never do it again!
  5. Tin foil helps distribute heat better in the microwave. The media has been falsely portraying household microwaves and metal since the 1920s. It’s time to set the record straight and call these doctored photos of microwave fires what they really are: falsehoods. We challenge all of you to try starting a fire by nuking a 9×9 Teflon of soda bread. Fire? What fire?
  6. Cut your money in half to make change. This works for any size bill. Afraid to carry a $100 in your wallet? Leave half at home. Need to make change to foot the bill at the restaurant? Wait staff prefers you do it yourself.
  7. Leaving your lights on saves more energy than constantly turning them on and off. This is the number one secret electric companies don’t want you to know. Most fleece you every time you flip the switch or run the microwave. Stick it to the meter person by running your blender 24/7/365.
  8. Gargle with bleach instead of mouthwash to whiten your teeth. It’s practically the same thing as in-office bleaching and much more effective than whitening strips. At pennies on the dollar, this hack will pay of itself in ghost-white smiles.
  9. Chemotherapy is a great way to lose weight. These days, everyone has or has had cancer, and the before- and after- selfies show why. Chemo helps cut excess fat off your skeleton while drastically curbing your appetite. Sure, there is some pain along the way: you might lose your hair and have to get a wig. But, hey, do you want that Jesus-on-the-cross look or not?
  10. If you can’t get sushi, you can eat raw chicken. It tastes almost identical. You’ll also increase your odds of getting a tapeworm and losing even more weight. Imagine having a tapeworm and cancer! Could it get any better in this great nation?
  11. A cigarette is just as good as an inhaler. But for some reason cigarettes get a bad rap in the media. Pictures of smoker’s lungs and gum lines are clearly exaggerated. We won’t say there aren’t any risks to subbing your inhaler for an American Spirit, but again, cancer is in vogue. Plus, did you know the American Spirit Man was a World-class broad jumper? Smoke enough American Made Tobacco and that can be you some day.

Corrections: January 30, 2017

An earlier version of this article recommended Camel Cigarettes, which use Turkish tobacco. The editors are obliged to change it to American Made Tobacco.

Corrections: January 31, 2017 

A prior version of this article mentioned Turkish tobacco. The editors are obliged to tell you the following in regards to Turkish tobacco: “Turkish tobacco is not American Made Tobacco.”

Corrections: February 1, 2017

A prior version of this article mentioned American Made Tobacco without its slogan. The editors are obliged to print “American Made Tobacco. For Health!” at least once on this page. The editors are also obliged to tell you that Corrections are no longer Corrections. They are now Alternative Facts. 

Alternative Facts: February 5, 2017

A prior version mentioned Corrections. The editors have been swamped with edits b/c lay offs. We’re required to say correction(s) is not a word anymore. And we have to say you can look it up in the dictionary, it’s not there 

Alternative Facts: Feb 7, 2017 Year of Lord President

Intern here. I’m supposed to add all this:

  1. Lord President invented Microwaves.
  2. Lord President’s best friend evented smoking.
  3. Most people who picked tobacco in the 1800’s were white.
  4. Lord President’s family tree is full of people who picked tobacco.
  5. Lord President’s family invented tobacco.
  6. This was not plagiarized.
  7. Plagiarism is not a real word.
  8. Look it up anywhere.
  9. Ask most kids, they know it.
  10. This article was paid for by Mexico and China.

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine

Comey Memo Re: Trump

As a way to earn money for school, I took a job watching a glass box in an industrial-looking New York room. Inside the box I found this memo from former FBI director, Jim Comey. I have every reason to believe this is genuine.

-Kevin Sterne



To:
Myself in the Future (Jim Comey)
From: Myself Right Now (also Jim Comey)

On Feb 5 I met with President Donald Trump in the Oval Office. The first thing he told me was that he anticipated having a lot of free time as POTUS and would like to get started on preserving his legacy through books. In short order this legacy would apparently begin with a Russia-themed Eye-Spy book.

Trump then removed a few crumpled pieces of paper from his back pocket and handed them to me. At first glance they looked like pages from a coloring book. Trump told me he cannot actually read or write anything other than his own name, and must convey his ideas in crude sketches or elaborate hand gestures. These pages in particularly resembled blind contour drawings of disfigured farm animals.

“This is going to be the greatest book ever,” Trump said while waving his tiny hands like wobbly pool noodles. “I know it. You know it.”

I did not know it.

So I peered over the “treatment.” From what I could discern, page one was meant to portray a shirtless Vladimir Putin on a Russia beach, arranged like Rose from the Titanic. The caption reads: “Draw me like one of your French girls, Don.”

Page two: Michael Flynn’s Russian emails hidden in Russian Nesting Dolls. The smallest nesting doll is full scale version of Kellyanne Conway’s brain, about the size of an almond.

Page three is Sean Spicer in an incredibly messy 1950’s kitchen. He’s donning a dirty apron and hunched over a mixing bowl. The remnants of egg shells, measuring cups, flour, etc. are strewn all over the counter and walls. There’s a window along the back wall that shows a massive nuclear mushroom cloud, presumably from a Russian warhead. The caption for this whole scene reads: “Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire with Sean Spicer.”

At this point I had “read” enough. I told Trump I thought this was a terrible idea and a tremendous waste of time and energy for the President of the United States. To which he told me I better hope there are no “tapes” of our talk. He put his tiny fingers in air quotes for the word tapes. To cap of the most bizarre encounter I’ve ever had with any political figure, Trump tried to kiss me.

He was showing me to the door, but right before opening it, puckered his lips and leaned into me. But because I’m 6’8” and he’s about 5’4” he could only reach my right nipple. Which he kissed anyway, because his eyes were closed. Then—as if this otherworldly incident could actually be forgotten—he whispered to me: “I hope you can let this go.”

 

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine

Email From Bannon To Trump: If We Want To Make America Great Again (!) We Need To Travel Back In Time

by Kevin Sterne

1106347_web1_savweb_020117_bannon

Dear Don,

I think it’s time we consider building a time machine (ATM). You probably don’t remember when I said: “if things aren’t looking good, we should consider a time machine.” But I said it. Kellyanne will vouch. Just don’t ask her the question directly.

This is a great plan, Don. It’s a fantastic plan. We get to cut more social programs from the budget like we planned AND we get to keep a secret. I know you love secrets!

Once the lying media uncovers the secret we’ll introduce it as an executive order. (We can just say it’s for national security). Spicey will cow-tie the media, it’ll be really great.

I’m relying on you to be the closer here, Don. You’ll need to stare down the House and Senate. Once we get the order passed we can start building ATM.

Do you think we can get someone from the Pentagon and Area 51? Actually, I’ll phone Alex Jones. I reckon he has gleaned a lot about alien technology from the Roswell Crash. Actually, I’ll do an introductory email.

I’m seeing the benefits of ATM as five-pronged:
1) we get to team up with Regan (your dream);
2) instead of tearing down the Berlin wall, we get to move it to the Mexican border;
3) we squash that lying Hilary before she can get started;
4) we stop the New York Times from failing and give you full control of the lying media;
5) we get a head start on a really great forgery of Obama’s birth certificate.

I already told Kellyanne and she is totally gung ho. She’s bringing over a Ouija Board so you can contact the spirit of Ronald Regan. I’m going to loop in Newt Gingrich on this one too. Word is he has some of Regan’s personal effects, specifically a catheter. I’ll do an intro email.

I know you’ll probably want to get your son-in-law involved, but I think it’s best J-Kush sits this one out. I want you to get all the credit for creating the world’s first ATM, and J-Kush tends to steal the limelight. Kellyanne will back me up on this one.

Lastly, we’re going to need different email addresses for this. I set up one for you already.

Trump_2017to1984 at darkweb.com

The password is SpicerNoSpicing

Email me at TimeTravelBan_non at darknet.com with your reply.

 

Forever yours,

Stevie B

 

P.S.

Let’s get Putin on board with this. Can you do an intro email?

 

 

Kevin Sterne is a writer and journalist based in Chicago, the editor of LeFawn Magazine. Apart from Shuga Records, he’s written about beer and music for Mash Tun Journal, The Tangential and Substream Magazine. His creative fiction has appeared in Drunk Monkeys, Potluck Mag, Defenestration, Praxis Magazine, Down in the Dirt Magazine, and Word Eater, among many others.

kevinsterne.com
Twitter: @kevinsterne
Instagram: Kevinsterne
Instagram: LeFawnZine